MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

Act 4 Scene 2

(Enter Dogberry and Verges the constables, and the Sexton, in gowns, and the Watch, with Conrad and Borachio)
l1l	Dogberry	 Is our whole dissembly appeared?
l2l	Verges	O, a stool and a cushion for the Sexton.
l3l	Sexton	(sits)
		 Which be the malefactors?
l4l	Dogberry	Marry, that am I, and my partner.
l5l	Verges	Nay, that’s certain, we have the exhibition to
l6l		examine.
l7l	Sexton	But which are the offenders that are to be
l8l		examined? Let them come before Master Constable.
l9l	Dogberry	Yea, marry, let them come before me. What is
l10l		your name, friend?
l11l	Borachio	Borachio.
l12l	Dogberry	(to the Sexton)
		 Pray write down “Borachio”.
		(To)
l13l		Conrad) Yours, sirrah?
l14l	Conrad	I am a gentleman, sir, and my name is Conrad.
l15l	Dogberry	Write down “Master Gentleman Conrad”.—
l16l		Masters, do you serve God?
l17l	Conrad And Borachio	Yea, sir, we hope.
l18l	Dogberry	Write down that they hope they serve God.
l19l		And write “God” first, for God defend but God should
l20l		go before such villains. Masters, it is proved already
l21l		that you are little better than false knaves, and it will
l22l		go near to be thought so shortly. How answer you for
l23l		yourselves?
l24l	Conrad	Marry, sir, we say we are none.
l25l	Dogberry	A marvellous witty fellow, I assure you, but I
l26l		will go about with him. Come you hither, sirrah. A
l27l		word in your ear, sir. I say to you it is thought you
l28l		are false knaves.
l29l	Borachio	Sir, I say to you we are none.
l30l	Dogberry	Well, stand aside. Fore God, they are both in
l31l		a tale. Have you writ down that they are none?
l32l	Sexton	Master Constable, you go not the way to examine.
l33l		You must call forth the watch that are their accusers.
l34l	Dogberry	Yea, marry, that’s the eftest way. Let the watch
l35l		come forth. Masters, I charge you in the Prince’s name
l36l		accuse these men.
l37l	First Watchman	This man said, sir, that Don John, the
l38l		Prince’s brother, was a villain.
l39l	Dogberry	Write down Prince John a villain. Why, this is
l40l		flat perjury, to call a prince’s brother villain.
l41l	Borachio	Master Constable.
l42l	Dogberry	Pray thee, fellow, peace. I do not like thy look,
l43l		I promise thee.
l44l	Sexton	What heard you him say else?
l45l	Second Watchman	Marry, that he had received a
l46l		thousand ducats of Don John for accusing the Lady
l47l		Hero wrongfully.
l48l	Dogberry	Flat burglary, as ever was committed.
l49l	Verges	Yea, by mass, that it is.
l50l	Sexton	What else, fellow?
l51l	First Watchman	And that Count Claudio did mean upon
l52l		his words to disgrace Hero before the whole assembly,
l53l		and not marry her.
l54l	Dogberry	O villain! Thou wilt be condemned into everlasting
l55l		redemption for this.
l56l	Sexton	What else?
l57l	Watch	This is all.
l58l	Sexton	And this is more, masters, than you can deny.
l59l		Prince John is this morning secretly stolen away. Hero
l60l		was in this manner accused, in this very manner
l61l		refused, and upon the grief of this suddenly died. Master
l62l		Constable, let these men be bound and brought to
l63l		Leonato’s. I will go before and show him their
l64l		examination.
		(Exit)
l65l	Dogberry	 Come, let them be opinioned.
l66l	Verges	Let them be, in the hands—
l67l	[Conrad]	Off, coxcomb!
l68l	Dogberry	God’s my life, where’s the Sexton? Let him
l69l		write down the Prince’s officer coxcomb. Come, bind
l70l		them. Thou naughty varlet!
l71l	Conrad	Away, you are an ass, you are an ass.
l72l	Dogberry	Dost thou not suspect my place? Dost thou not
l73l		suspect my years? O that he were here to write me
l74l		down an ass! But masters, remember that I am an ass.
l75l		Though it be not written down, yet forget not that I
l76l		am an ass. No, thou villain, thou art full of piety, as
l77l		shall be proved upon thee by good witness. I am a wise
l78l		fellow, and which is more, an officer, and which is
l79l		more, a householder, and which is more, as pretty a
l80l		piece of flesh as any is in Messina, and one that knows
l81l		the law, go to, and a rich fellow enough, go to, and a
l82l		fellow that hath had losses, and one that hath two
l83l		gowns, and everything handsome about him. Bring
l84l		him away. O that I had been writ down an ass!
		(Exeunt)